Audio version, read by Charlie.

In the past, I have had trouble with buying cards and gifts for Kathy at Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and other special occasions. I’ve meant to do the right thing, but there have been times when I have forgotten, run out of time, or not paid enough attention to what I was buying, and hurt and disappointed my wife. I have made so many mistakes that I have written them all down and held myself up as a bad example to other men. I’ve told them to learn from me and do better than I did.

Being an object lesson is not as easy as it looks. It means that now that I’ve confessed my sins and repented of them, and led the congregation of men in the singing of hymns to take better care of our wives, I had better not commit the sins again.

Which is why I was on the Internet on February 8^th to order flowers for Kathy for Valentine’s Day. There was no way I could allow myself to forget. And, even though I was only doing the right thing, on time, like any responsible adult would do, I still felt a little proud of myself.

And I was still feeling proud that night when the phone rang and Kathy answered it. I could tell by what she said that it was the credit card company.

“Yes,” said Kathy, “I made that purchase. From England, yes. Yes, that’s fine.”

Two months ago Kathy had bought a teddy bear from a shop in England. It was an expensive bear and the shop had agreed to charge her in installments. Last month, after the first installment, the credit card company called us and asked questions about our purchases to make sure someone hadn’t stolen our card. It caught their attention when someone living in the United States suddenly made purchases in Britain. It was good to know that our credit card company was looking out for us.

Now they were calling again this month to check up on the next installment. Kathy told them this was a legitimate purchase. And, just to be sure, the agent at the credit card company asked other questions.

“Shell gas station? Yes, that’s fine.” She knows I buy gas on the way home from work.

“Il Restaurante D’Oro? Yes, that’s fine.” Kathy nodded. We both like Italian food and we ate there last week.

And then she looked at me and stood up on her toes, and smiled with the phone still pressed to her ear. “Well, I don’t think I’m supposed to know about that, but, yes, I think that’s okay.”

Oh, damn! They must have told her about the flowers. Those were supposed to be a surprise! Couldn’t I keep a secret for even eight hours? Didn’t they train these people not to give away Valentine’s Day purchases to people’s spouses?

Kathy did not see any of these thoughts. I just smiled back at her, glad to see her glad. Happy February 8^th, sweetie. Love you!

The agent, however, was not finished, and Kathy’s expression turned a little more confused. “Victoria’s Secret? Red satin camisole and tap pants? Um, absolutely.” She looked at me, and I winked. Sometimes flowers aren’t enough.

“Love butter? Love butter? That’s Victoria’s Secret, too, right? Oh, good. Yes, that too.”

Well, I thought, if they were going to give away my Valentine’s Day surprises, they might as well do them all.

“Four pounds of Max the Muscleman’s Extra Potency Protein Powder?” Now she squinted. I lifted both biceps in make-a-muscle pose to show her the purchase was for my new strength training regimen that I hadn’t told her about yet.

“McDonalds? How much? Forty-three dollars? What the hell did he eat at McDonalds for forty-three dollars?”

Kathy listened to the agent say she didn’t know the answer to that question, and I called out that it wasn’t just me. I took a coworker too. And you couldn’t eat the Protein Powder by itself. You had to mix it with something, like Diet Coke.

“Three ticket’s to the Godz of Hard Rock summer tour? Well I hope he doesn’t expect me to go. It sounds awful. And who’s the third ticket for?”

The agent didn’t know that either, and I cursed her again for ruining another surprise that I was going to spend all spring laying the groundwork for.

“Well let me ask you,” said Kathy, “what would you think if your husband bought three tickets to a show he knows you wouldn’t like? Wouldn’t you want to know who the third ticket is for?”

I started to speak up to answer this question. I had thought Kathy’s sister Marti, or her friend Wendy would want to go.

But Kathy turned her back to me and I could not get the words out. Now she was listening to the agent talk.

“Uh-huh, uh-huh. They do the dumbest things, don’t they? Did I tell you that one year he bought a foam rubber neck pillow for Valentine’s Day? What kind of gift is that? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah? You do? Really? Well, sure.”

Kathy walked over and held out the phone to me. “She wants to talk to you. Her name is Suchita.”

My eyes went wide and I shook my head no. Kathy held the phone closer and I pulled away. “I said no!”

Kathy stuck her tongue out at me and put the phone back to her own ear. “No, he won’t do it. Yeah, figures. Anyway, all those purchases are legitimate. Why yes, the bear is very cute. I just love it. Was there anything else you wanted to tell me today? Okay, thank you so much for calling. Bye-bye.”

The phone went beep when she pushed the off button. She looked at me. “Protein powder? Workin’ on those muscles, are we?”

“No, I just like how it tastes. It comes in strawberry.”

“Kind of like the shakes at McDonalds.”

I shrugged. “I like strawberry.”

“Mm,” said Kathy. “I see. Could I make a suggestion?”

“Sure.”

“Carry more cash with you.”

I nodded. “That’s a good idea,” I said. It was a really good idea.

She stepped up and wrapped her arms around me. “Thank you for the flowers. I’m sure they’re going to be beautiful.”

I hugged her back. “You’re welcome. Sorry they messed up the surprise.”

“That’s okay. I’ll dry them so I can still look at them when you’re taking your two mistresses to The Godz of Hard Rock.”

“I was going to take you and your sister, but now that you mention it, do you suppose Suchita would want to go?”

Kathy lifted her head off my chest and looked up. “I doubt it. She already knows you too well.”

Did you enjoy this story? It is an excerpt from the new book by Charlie Close, Burning Embers and Other Stories of Marriage, Work, and Family. To order Burning Embers, go to Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com, or order a signed copy directly from Charlie.

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